A Pete Movie
by PPP SSC
Summary: We all know what happened on that road trip between Max and Goofy, but what does go on with PJ and Pete anyway? A parallel story to A Goofy Movie told from the perspective of PJ and Pete. Rated K-plus simply because putting PJ in the spotlight tends to make everything darker. Thanks to SosaLola for the original idea. All songs featured are original.
1. Act I

Author's Note: Scenes and parts of scenes where dialogue is vague are exactly the same as they are in A Goofy Movie.

**A Pete Movie**

Solitude, beautiful solitude. PJ sat alone by a lake reading. He breathed in the fresh air, happy and free. Then came a flying fortress, and out wandered a spider. The spider looked like Pete, but was smaller, at first. Then suddenly it grew while PJ shrank until it was big enough to stomp him under its foot. He braced himself for the blow and suddenly woke up. He looked at the clock in his prim and tidy bedroom. 6:00.

He tried to sneak out as quietly as possible. He spotted a video camera on the shelf of a closet. He looked around suspiciously three or four times.

"What are you doing?" a voice bellowed from behind him. He flinched.

"Uh… nothing…" PJ said. He grinned unconvincingly.

"You better not be," Pete responded, eyeing him suspiciously and walking away.

PJ, shaking, grabbed the camera and cradled it between his left arm and his stomach, running quickly back to his room and hiding it in his backpack.

"What's the big rush anyway, son? It's not even 6:30," Pete said.

"Uhh…" PJ responded, "I promised my services to someone at school. You know how you're always telling me that I should do what people tell me to, right? Well, Dad, I'm doing that, but… I gotta go, bye!" He ran quickly out of the house.

"And clean up that eyesore of a room when you get back!" Pete yelled, "The dust bunnies are getting dust bunnies."

_Maybe (All sung by PJ)_

_Why do I keep doing this? It's all so strange and weird,  
No matter what I say I always go.  
The harder that I try to speak my mind the harder the  
Entire world keeps me from saying "no."_

_And though this is the way it's gotta be, my upbringing  
Has sadly made me who I am today  
For in my bleakest mind and racing heart all that I think  
Is if it goes wrong then there will be heck to pay_

_But there's nothing stronger than a true friend in need  
To sway a victim of pride, wrath, and greed_

_And maybe, just maybe_  
_If we're lucky, If things go right_  
_Maybe, just maybe,_  
_Max will end up with Roxanne tonight_  
_Maybe, just maybe,_  
_It's a risk I have to take_  
_It's probably a mistake_  
_But I must help my friend!_

_Look at me so tensely walking hours before everyone  
Has even started to go down the hall  
And if it goes right Max might get the girl he's always wanted  
But if it goes wrong I won't survive at all_

_Yet there's nothing stronger than a true friend in need  
To sway a victim of pride, wrath, and greed_

_And maybe, just maybe  
If we're lucky, If things go right  
Maybe, just maybe,  
Max will end up with Roxanne tonight  
Maybe, just maybe,  
It's a risk I have to take  
It's probably a mistake  
But I must help my friend!_

PJ arrived at school, towing the camera. He looked around. "Max? Max?"

"May I help you?" a teacher asked.

"Oh, yes," PJ responded. "Is Max Goof here?"

"I don't think so," the teacher responded.

"Thanks anyway," PJ answered. It was 6:50. Max was supposed to meet him at 7:00. PJ started to tense up a little bit but remembered that not everyone was as punctual as he was. He proceeded to wait for an hour. At this point, PJ decided to call Max. He walked into the principal's office and asked "Excuse me, Miss Maples. May I use the phone?"

"Of course you may," she responded sweetly. The principal was not around at the time. PJ dialed Max's number. He waited for an answer.

"Hello, hello?" came the groggy answer on the other end.

"Max! Where the heck are you, man?" PJ asked.

"PJ?" Max confirmed.

"You should have been here an _hour _ago," PJ said nervously, gripping the phone uncomfortably.

"What? What are you… hold on," Max said. PJ tried to hold on and heard Max say, "Oh, no."

"Look, maybe we should just call the whole thing off," PJ said.

"No way, man," Max responded, "It's now or never." Then it sounded like he fell.

"Well you better get a move on!" PJ said, "I'll meet you at my locker." He waited for Max to hang up. Then he went over to his locker and waited, trying to avoid the glances of any passersby who arrived before Max did.

Once Max arrived, PJ was impatient. He asked Max once again if they really had to do it, and Max answered that, yes, they did. Bobby arrived with the equipment needed to pull off the stunt and Max handed him a bag containing spray cheese. Bobby proceeded to make a complete fool of himself.

But soon enough it was time for the school assembly where Stacey gave the rundown of her end of year party and then gave the stage to Principal Mazur. Max, PJ, and Bobby prepared the stunt, though PJ was still really reluctant. Principal Mazur was shocked when the music and screen started to go up. Bobby dropped him in a trap door. Max commandeered the stage performing a dance to Powerline's "Stand Out," impressing Roxanne. PJ and Bobby were both happy at the success of the plan. They pulled some trickier stunts but unfortunately were caught.

Meanwhile, Goofy and Pete were working. Goofy was having difficulty making a little girl smile until he accidentally swallowed a toy squeaker, at which point he started taking as many pictures as possible. Pete knocked the squeaker out of his throat and Goofy gave the little girl back to her mother. The next mother showed up and Pete insisted that he take care of this girl, who kicked him. He had to chase her around just to pick her up.

"Gawrsh, Pete," Goofy said, "You sure are good with kids."

"Oh, yeah, well they love me," Pete responded, "Why, PJ, he's been begging me to take him on vacation this summer."

"Really?" Goofy asked.

A week earlier, it was shown that PJ was toiling at removing weeds from the yard. Exhausted, he said, "Man, this is hard… at least professionals get a vacation," not expecting his father to hear, but he did.

Pete grinned devilishly, looked his son in the eye and asked, "Did you say you wanted to go on vacation?" Without waiting for an answer he left and said, "Great! Let's go camping!"

PJ got up and said, "Wait, that's not what I…" He noticed his father was out of earshot and sighed in resignation.

In the present, Pete said, "Nothing like the great outdoors to strengthen a bond between a father and a son" while velcroing the girl to her seat.

Goofy said, "Oh, Max would never go for anything like that!" while handing the girl a toy.

Pete then proceeded to attempt to convince Goofy that Max not spending time with him might have made him a criminal, which Goofy didn't believe.

"Peter, what on earth has gotten into you? You don't usually act out so," Principal Mazur said. PJ was wringing his hands and trembling. "Now, I could tell your father what you've been up to today…"

"Please don't…" PJ squeaked. "I'm sorry and it won't happen again and if it does you can…"

"Peter, please calm down," Principal Mazur said. He gave a friendly smile. "I don't want to be the big scary principal. I just don't want you throwing your future away. You know this could lead to suspension or even expulsion, right?"

"I…" PJ's eyes were downcast. "I'm sorry…"

"So, I can forget all about punishing you and I won't call your father if you sign this paper saying you were coerced into it by that Maximillian Goof." He pushed the paper over to PJ with a pen.

"Sell out Max to protect myself? Who do you think I am?" PJ asked with surprising assertion, pushing the paper back with the same pen.

"Very well, then I guess I'll just have to tell your father what you're up to," Principal Mazur said. PJ began to tremble faster with every digit dialed.

"Hello?" asked Pete picking up the phone.

"Hello, Mr. Pete, this is Principal Mazur. I'm calling about your son, Peter Jr."

"What did he do this time!?" Pete yelled so loudly PJ could hear it from the receiver in Principal Mazur's hand.

"Mr. Pete, relax, your son didn't cause a riot by himself or anything," Principal Mazur responded. "He was just… an accomplice."

"An accomplice to the starter of a riot? My son! Oooh, when I get my hands on him I'm gonna destroy him, tear him limb from limb! Don't bother to punish him, princy pal, because I can do it all myself, see?" Pete yelled. He slammed down the phone. PJ was petrified.

"Very well." Principal Mazur said, "You may leave."

PJ exited the room. Face unmoving, he uttered monotonously, "Oh man. My dad is going to smash me like a _bug_."

"Hey, PJ, detention!" Bobby shouted and then he laughed, but PJ was already mostly out of the room at that point, and he certainly wasn't listening.

PJ stared vacantly at the wall and had trouble paying attention. Bobby rushed up to him and said, "Hey, doom-n-gloom! Cheer up, dude."

"Not now, Bobby," PJ said, shooing him away without changing his expression. "I'm not in the mood for antics right now."

"No, dude, you will be once you hear the news," Bobby said, "Lover boy got Roxanne to say yes!"

"Wait," PJ said, his expression finally moving, "He did?"

"Yep! Max started dancing with the receptionist and everything! It was funny," Bobby said laughing.

"You think _everything's_ funny," PJ said, although he was starting to smile himself. "Well, let's see if we can catch up to…" Bobby was gone. "Him?" PJ asked. He shrugged and then walked out after Max. He spotted Max from behind but didn't expect to get his attention normally so, against his better judgment, he jumped on Max's shoulders. He congratulated Max, Max dumped him off.

"See, see," PJ said, winking, "I told you our plan would work!" Max rolled his eyes. PJ then started a crowd chant which Max wasn't too happy about… until it turned into a bigger crowd chant. After Max left, PJ said, "Wait," he said, "No I didn't! And… oh, great, now I'm thinking about it. Did I seriously just…?" He covered his face in embarrassment and ran.

He got home and saw Pete standing looking at him firmly. "Uh… hi, Dad," PJ said.

"PJ, I received a phone call from your princy pal," Pete responded.

"Yeah, I was… uh… there," PJ said. He rubbed his arm nervously.

Pete reached for the buckle of his belt. PJ panicked. He got on his knees and groveled, "Please, please, please, no, sir! If you don't beat me I'll do anything! Anything at all!"

"Anything?" Pete asked. "Well, sure, son. I'm a reasonable man. I promise not to beat you with my belt if you promise not to gripe about your chores until we get back from our camping trip."

"My chores being… everything that needs doing?" PJ asked.

"I said no griping," Pete said. "Don't make me change my mind."

"Thanks, Dad! I really appreciate you going easy on me, y'know," PJ said. "I promise I'll do everything without complaint."

"Great," Pete responded, "You can start by packing the RV. Me? I've got a game to watch."

"But sir, don't you want to umm… pack the TV?" PJ asked.

"Yes, PJ, but not this TV. I have a nice big screen upstairs," Pete started.

"That I have to carry by myself," PJ finished. Pete glared. "That's fine! I'll do it!"

"Don't drop it or else," Pete said, turning back to his game. As PJ continued to move things to the RV, the phone rang.

"PJ!" Pete called, "Pick it up! I don't want to miss the play."

"But my hands are full, sir!" PJ responded.

"Put it down," Pete responded.

PJ put the box down as gently as possible and then picked up the phone. "Hello?"

"Yo, Peejmeister. I bet you were the first to hear, weren't you?" Bobby asked on the other end.

"Hear what, Bobby?" PJ asked.

"About Max going onstage at the Powerline concert? I heard from Lisa that she heard from Chad that he heard from Stacey that Roxanne told her that Max was going to be onstage at the Powerline concert," Bobby said. "It's wicked ca-razy dude!"

"Wow, that's really cool! Man, I wish I could be there with him, but Dad is kidnapping me so I can't," PJ said.

"Oh, bummer, dude," Bobby said, "Better luck next time, PJ."

"Sure it will be," PJ said sarcastically, hanging up the phone.

"Who was that?" Pete asked.

"Oh, it wasn't anyone you care about, Dad," PJ answered. "I'm almost done packing, by the way."

"Great!" Pete said. "Just let me watch the last two minutes, okay?"

"Okay," PJ responded, knowing that the "two minutes" could last up to an hour.

"Come on, PJ, the great outdoors are waitin'!" Pete said, once the game was done.

PJ nodded and got into the RV.


	2. Act II

**Destination**_ (Pete sings bold parts, PJ sings italicized parts)_

**Can't you see the places out in front of you  
Where we can grow from boys into men-  
The great outdoors are waiting for us to get there  
And mark our territory again.**

**Son, come with me, you'll see,  
This is the way it's meant to be  
Our destination, **_destination_  
**Matters well **_doesn't matter_  
**Our destination**,_ destination_  
**Mighty swell, **_getting sadder_  
**The great outdoors will make our bond grow strong  
**_How many minutes 'til he's proven wrong?_

**Can't you see the hunting and the fishing  
And grilling hot stuff out in the air  
The great outdoors are waiting for us to arrive  
And holler out loud when we get there**

**Son, come with me, you'll see,  
This is the way it's meant to be  
Our destination, **_destination_  
**Matters well **_doesn't matter_  
**Our destination**,_ destination_  
**Mighty swell, **_getting sadder_  
**The great outdoors will make our bond grow strong  
**_How many seconds 'til he's proven wrong?_

_My life it seems is agony  
I'm predestined to suffering  
No matter what I say or do  
I'm stuck… stuck under you_

**Boy, don't you go on whining  
We're gonna have a ton of fun  
And if you forgot my temper—  
We had a deal, remember?**

**Son, come with me, you'll see,  
This is the way it's meant to be  
Our destination, **_destination_  
**Matters well **_doesn't matter_  
**Our destination**,_ destination_  
**Mighty swell, **_getting sadder_  
**The great outdoors will make our bond grow strong  
**_No matter what he says it has been proven wrong._

"PJ!" Pete yelled. "Where the heck are you!?"

"I was sorta changing the course, sir," PJ answered.

"Why!?" Pete asked. "What's wrong with where I set it?"

"Umm, well, y'see, we were uh… going to crash into a wall, kinda, and I decided to move it back onto the…" PJ stammered.

"PJ, PJ, PJ," Pete said, shaking his head and then smiling condescendingly, "How many times have I told you that things like the RV controls are…"

"Off-limits to the help," PJ said. "Yes, I know, Dad. But I didn't want us to get killed…"

"PJ, I'll be sure to make sure none of us get killed. Now you go clean the toilet while I try to scout out a pit stop I have in mind," Pete said.

"Maybe I wouldn't have to change the course if you'd actually drive the darned thing instead of relying on the technology," PJ muttered while Pete was out of earshot.

The RV pulls up to a place called Mikey's Rifle Co. "Ah, here 'tis, PJ," Pete said. PJ walked out. He looked very uncomfortable. "This is where I used to go all the time with Grandpa Pete."

"Umm…" PJ said. "I don't know about this, Dad."

Pete pulled PJ along and took him to meet the owner. "Hi, I'm Mikey, of Mikey's Rifle Co. Do you want to shoot animals?"

"Not particularly," PJ responded.

"Other people?" Mikey asked.

"Of course not!" PJ said indignantly.

"Y—" Mikey began, but PJ interrupted him.

"Don't give me any ideas…" he said bitterly.

"Forgive my son," Pete said, "You see, he's a sissy. He doesn't know his way around a gun yet."

"Not to worry," Mikey responded. "I'm sure he's not really a sissy. He just doesn't have the proper training. But with my training song, everything will come out right."

_Mikey's Rifle Co. (all sung by Mikey)_

_You want to be a shooting star?  
Well kid, there's just one thing you should know.  
Shoot 'em up, shoot 'em up, shoot 'em up high  
And you'll always be ready to go!_

_Shoot 'em up, shoot 'em up, shoot 'em up  
And the ladies will all want you  
And the sissies will all hate you  
Shoot 'em up, shoot 'em up, shoot 'em up_

_Just try not to hit your best friend in the eye  
When you shoot 'em up, shoot 'em up, shoot 'em up high!  
The ladies will all love you  
And the sissies will all hate you  
When you shoot 'em up here at  
Mikey's Rifle Company!_

_Just try not to hit your best friend in the eye  
When you shoot 'em up, shoot 'em up, shoot 'em up high!  
The ladies will all love you  
And the sissies will all hate you  
When you shoot 'em up here at  
Mikey's Rifle Company!_

PJ's eyes widened in horror. "… Is that what passes for gun safety training nowadays? Encouraging people to shoot _haphazardly_ and _try _not to hit their best friends?"

"Sissy," Mikey said.

"Is it 'sissy' not to want to think this place is encouraging _manslaughter?_" PJ shrieked, trembling. Everyone looked at him funny.

He collapsed from wooziness. "Wow, look at that wimp!" shouted a man. Pete became very angry.

"PJ!" he roared, "Get up. Now!"

"Excuse me," said the man, "Are you this wimp's father?"

"Only by blood," Pete muttered.

"You should be ashamed," he said. "How old is he? Fifteen? Sheesh. You'd think you would have taught him how to be a man by now."

"Believe me, I've tried," Pete said. He grabbed PJ by the arm and dragged him back to the RV.

"Dad, I…" PJ said.

"You're a mistake!" Pete shouted.

"A… what?" PJ asked. "Dad, what did I do this time?"

"Nothing," Pete responded. "Forget I said anything."

"You said the M word, Dad," PJ said, "Kind of hard to forget."

Pete snapped, "Okay, fine, you know what? I wanted a son who could do fun manly things with me like go on camping trips and shooting practice but instead I got a stupid cowardly sissy wimp who is worth less than the trash he picks up for me! Now go clean up your quarters and don't talk to me for the rest of the night." PJ was on the verge of tears when he exited the area and he cried himself to sleep.

The next morning, Pete walked over to where PJ was sleeping and asked, "PJ, are you alright?"

"Why do you care about the feelings of a worthless mistake?" PJ asked.

"Look, PJ… I was mad last night. And sometimes when we get mad we say things we don't mean, but I assure you, I don't think you're worthless or a mistake," Pete responded, putting his hand on PJ's shoulder.

"You… mean that, Dad?" PJ asked.

"Of course," Pete said. He laughed. "Without you around I'd never get anything done!"

"Well, I suppose it's nice to know you actually… you know, care…" PJ said, "Even if you do it in the most emotionally detached way possible." PJ sat on the side of his bed.

"And to make up for being _so_ mean," Pete said, "I'm going to let you play with the stereo."

"Really?" PJ asked, getting out of bed.

"Why sure, son! You can even listen to the music while you work like they do in the movies!" Pete responded, patting PJ on the back.

"Thanks, Dad," PJ said, in surprise. "But… are you umm… feeling okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine" Pete said oddly sympathetically. "I just thought I went a little too far last night, that's all." PJ smiled. "But you are mincemeat if you bust any of the buttons," Pete murmured, seething.

"Got it, sir!" PJ said, saluting his father.

"Now let's see where we are," Pete said, walking over to the RV's backdoor.

PJ shrugged. He found a copy of Powerline's newest record on CD on his shelf and popped it into the stereo, making sure to be as careful as possible.

Pete, meanwhile, exited the RV and realized he had accidentally opened the door on Goofy. He was surprised to see him. Max asked Pete if PJ was in the RV. He walked around the corner and saw PJ cleaning the RV's floor and trophies while singing along with the stereo. He shut it off, though PJ was oblivious and kept singing until he noticed Max had arrived. They greeted each other and joked around a bit, when Max expressed envy for the RV, telling PJ how lucky he was. PJ told Max what Bobby had told him, and Max revealed that it was a lie.

Goofy and Pete were bowling on the roof. Goofy told Pete that Max was still not bonding with him and was thinking about backing off. Pete told him that what he needed to do was exercise _more_ control, not less. He proceeded to knock down nine pins, and then screamed for PJ to come. PJ ran up to the roof as quickly as he could. Pete pointed to the pin, and PJ kicked it down. Pete started to celebrate, offered to give PJ a high-five, took it back, and laughed at him. PJ was disappointed.

Pete invited Max and Goofy to stay for dinner, but Goofy wanted to take Max fishing. Following Pete's advice, he told Max that they had to go fishing. Max was upset, but Goofy followed him anyway.

"Did he seriously just…" PJ began, "Dad, you haven't been giving people _parenting advice…_have you?_"_

"I have," Pete said. "I'm just so generous. Giving my excessive knowledge to other people."

"Dad," PJ responded, "I don't know if that will really help their relationship, you know. No offense, sir, but… uhh… maybe your skills are more concentrated… elsewhere?"

"Did you just insult my parenting?" Pete asked suspiciously. He shouted "I am the best father you will ever have, so be grateful, boy! Did you ever finish cleaning up anyway? Don't talk back to me, y'hear! Go finish your chores so I can make you dinner… because I do make you dinner!"

"Dad, I never meant to imply you were a horrible, irredeemable monster…" PJ said, "Just… y'know… you could stand to be a little less… umm... never mind. I'll just go back to doing my chores…" He sighed and climbed back down.

Pete grabbed the grill and started cooking some steaks, only to have one of them snagged by a stray fishing line. He vaguely heard Max screaming but he had no idea why. The reason soon became clear: Bigfoot was chasing him and Goofy! "Bigfoot!" Pete screamed and then tossed the grill, still lit, steaks and all into the RV and drove away.

"What the heck?" PJ asked, as he was thrown against the counter.

"We have to get out of here! I don't want Bigfoot to eat you!" Pete shouted.

"Bigfoot… wait, Dad?" PJ asked.

"What?" Pete asked.

"Did you just say you didn't want Bigfoot to eat… me?" PJ asked.

"Yes, I did!" Pete responded. "Why?"

"It's the first time since Mom left that you actually showed concern for my safety…" PJ said. The moment was ruined just as quickly when he saw that the grill had tipped over and a spark had caught onto one of the road maps. "Oh my gosh, Dad! The RV is on fire!"

"What? Fire?" Pete asked. "Well, don't just stand there! Put it out!"

"Where's the extinguisher on this thing?" PJ asked.

"Right over there," Pete said, pointing.

PJ rushed over to the extinguisher, took it out of its case and sprayed at the fire. "Well," he said, "I suppose we'll have to reset the grill."

"No," Pete said, "Bigfoot's still out there and he might have chased us down. We'll just have to make do with what we can cook inside the RV."

"We have some microwave burritos," PJ said. "Remember when we'd used to eat the microwave burritos and Mom would always get mad at you for encouraging me to eat seven at once to be part of your 'brass band?'"

"No," Pete said curtly.

"Oh, well, umm…" PJ said, "We have some ramen. Remember when you put the noodles on my nose and Mom told you to stop playing with your food but then I slurped them up and she swore she was imagining?"

"No," Pete said again.

"Forget it," PJ said. "What do _you _want to eat?"

"I don't care, as long as it doesn't come with a scented-mental story," Pete responded.

"Fine," PJ said, in a defeated tone, "We can eat sandwiches. I have no fond memories of eating sandwiches with you whatsoever."

"Sandwiches," Pete said, "Remember, son, not too much mustard on mine."

"Dad," PJ said, "I know how you like them by now." Sighing, he started to make Pete's sandwich. "Which bread would you like, sir?" he asked, his voice jaded.

"PJ, wait," Pete said, "I'll… I'll make it myself."

"Dad, are you feverish?" PJ asked, sincerely concerned.

"No," Pete said, "It's just… you sound really tired and you've done an excellent job of keeping up your end of the bargain… go sit."

"You're giving me… a break?" PJ asked. "An actual _break?_"

"Yes, son," Pete said. "You're off the hook from chores until after dinner."

"Thanks, Dad," PJ said, stunned.

After they had eaten dinner, Pete fell asleep on the sofa. PJ looked over him and smiled. He slapped himself in the face, shook his head and said to himself, "It won't last. It never does." He started to smile again, climbing into bed. "Still… at least he occasionally tries. Well, I hope Max will find a solution to his problems…"

"What problems?" Pete asked groggily.

"Oh, Dad," PJ asked, heart stopping, "You're awake?"

"_There ain't no problems on this car! It's like it's never been driven before! Wait, come back! NOOOOOO!" _Pete shouted.

"Dad?" PJ asked, getting up and approaching Pete.

"PJ," Pete said, waking up, "Did I wake you?"

"No, I hadn't fallen asleep yet, but…" PJ said, "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, just a flashback dream," Pete said, "Don't worry about it. Go back to bed."

"If you say so, Dad," PJ said. "Good night."

The next morning, Pete said, "Rise and shine, Junior!"

"What needs doin'?" PJ asked, rubbing his eyes.

"We're going to have a grand day out today!" Pete said. "Put away the mop and broom. We're going to go hunting, hiking, fishing, the works! And if you're really good I'll even do something _you _want to do."

"You're kidding," PJ said flatly, his face dumbfounded.

"Nope," Pete said. "I just know how difficult it is for you to be good while I'm trying to teach you to be manly, so I figure I won't have to pay in anyway."

"So you _are _bluffing," PJ said. "Figures."

"No," Pete said. "It's an incentive, boy."

"I'll do my best," PJ said, shrugging. The two of them hopped out of the RV.

While they were hunting, Pete tried to catch a rabbit in a trap but his foot got caught in it; PJ tried to pry it free but got it caught on himself while Pete walked onward, oblivious.

While they were hiking, PJ waved his hands in warning right before Pete stepped into a patch of poison ivy and then took his father's hand and led him to a safer path.

While they were fishing, PJ caught a big fish and was ordered to throw it back because it was slightly bigger than the one Pete got. He shrugged, tossing it back, which splashed Pete in the face with some water. He offered Pete his shirt as a towel, grinning in embarrassment.

They got back in the RV and started driving towards a tourist town. PJ, with an excited expression, pointed toward a bookstore with a sign that said, "Amateur Poetry Night". Pete looked at him, laughed and shook his head. PJ glared, and then slumped disappointedly.

PJ cleaned the sink with a crushed expression. PJ put on a completely unconvincing and somewhat frightening fake smile when Pete walked by.

"I'm 'so lucky…'" PJ said wearily. "Max, you have no idea." He looked out the window and saw a hotel called Neptune Inn. "Dad, stop the RV! I see Mr. G's car!"

"Oh!" Pete said, stopping the RV abruptly. "Let's see if we can mooch energy off of them."

They entered the front office. "Where are the Goofs staying?" Pete asked, slamming his hands on the desk.

"I can't give that information to just anyone," the clerk said.

"Well, y'see," PJ explained, "We're family friends, neighbors really. My dad and Mr. Goof work together and Max Goof is my best friend. But I understand if the information is private and we won't pry anymore."

"My," the clerk said, "What a polite, upstanding young man. You must have _quite _the upbringing."

"You have no idea," he said flatly.

"You must be so proud of your son," the clerk said again, turning to Pete. "Many children his age act out." PJ looked at her with pleading eyes, but she didn't stop. "You must have something other parents lack." PJ slapped his forehead and frowned.

"Well, you know," Pete said, "I've been telling that to my neighbor the whole time."

By the RV, Pete said, "Grab the cords, PJ, I'll knock."

Pete "knocked" by pretending to be hostile police. Max and Goofy clearly both fell for it which Pete found hilarious. Max and Goofy joked with each other about who was more afraid. Pete pulled Goofy over and reminded him of the parenting advice. He asked if they could hook up the RV and then ordered PJ to carry in the cords. Pete asked Goofy to go get some pizza.

"Hey, what's up?" Max asked.

"Oh, Dad just got my hopes up and then sent them crashing to the ground on purpose. Again. And then the clerk complimented his parenting," PJ said in disgust.

"Sorry," Max said, shrugging. He opened his mouth again, but then thought it prudent not to say anything.

PJ quickly changed the subject, responding, "But enough about my problems, let's hear about yours! Did you ever solve that dilemma?"

"Oh, yeah, that," Max said, "I did indeed. I changed the map so now we're going to the Powerline concert instead of Lake Destiny."

"You must think your dad is dumber than a bag of bricks," PJ said.

"You say that as if you don't think your dad is," Max responded.

"Dads have a keen ability to detect wrongdoing within a seventy-mile radius," PJ responded. Max laughed. "No, I mean it, they…" PJ began but was interrupted by Goofy bringing in the pizza. Once Goofy left, PJ continued to good-naturedly berate Max for his lack of forethought. Pete happened to overhear.

He followed Goofy out to the hot tub and told him everything that he overheard. Goofy said he didn't believe Pete because he trusted Max—Max loves him. Pete responded that PJ respects him. Goofy left, but Pete insisted that Goofy check the map. Pete exited the hot tub and walked toward the RV. PJ exited the hotel room a few minutes later and headed directly to the RV.


	3. Act III

Morning falls as they are driving in the RV. "So, PJ," Pete said, "Learn anything interesting from Max last night?"

"Oh, uhh…" PJ said, "Nothing really, sir."

"So Max didn't tell you he found some gold or went to a zoo or changed the map his father set for him…" Pete said, looking deviously at him.

"You heard?" PJ asked. "I _told _Max. I _told _him you guys had that ability."

"Yeah, well, I told Goof that Max did that," Pete responded. "So much for their buddy-buddy act." He smiled smugly while PJ looked on in horror.

"You… you're not happy enough making _me _miserable, you have to make other people miserable too and break families that are working!" PJ said.

"Working?" Pete asked. "The kid was walking all over his father."

"And the other way around is _better?_ Taking advantage of someone you're supposed to be _protecting_? Hurting the person who should be able to look to you for comfort just because you _can?"_ PJ asked.

"Shut up!" Pete said, pulling over the RV by a forest clearing and getting out. He dragged PJ out by the arm and motioned once again to his belt.

"Go ahead!" PJ said, "You know, I kept my end of the deal the entire time. But that doesn't matter to you." He looked downward, bracing himself.

"No," Pete said, shaking his head, "I won't beat you. _Yet._"

PJ gasped. "You were bluffing!" he shouted, "All this time I've been complying with you because of a threat you _never planned to follow through on in the first place_!"

"You should be happy all I do is make empty threats, okay?" Pete responded.

"I'm grateful you don't beat me up, Dad," PJ said. "I'm not grateful that you _always _manipulate me!"

"Do you think I want you to run around without discipline, PJ?" Pete asked.

"You call _this _discipline?" PJ responded. "Discipline is predictable. Discipline is related to wrongdoing and serves a larger purpose. Discipline won't send your son into fits of depression or make him feel worthless. Your kids won't live in fear of you."

"What are you saying?" Pete asked.

"I'm saying you're unstable!" PJ said. "I never know from one minute to the next what you're going to do to me, if anything, and the times you decide to go 'easy on me' or 'hard on me' are erratic and random. I can _never _tell when you're angry because your calling sounds the same no matter what. And, evidently, you can't tell the difference between discipline and _child abuse_."

"Abuse is kind of a strong word, isn't it?" Pete asked.

"No," PJ responded curtly. "It's an accurate one, Dad. Make no mistake, I'm used to the way you treat me. I'm so used to it I become surprised and suspicious when you do something differently. But being used to it doesn't mean I like it. I hate it. It eats me up inside every day."

"Will you _stop _demanding to be babied already? You're a big boy now! You don't need daddy to coddle you anymore!" Pete shouted.

"I just want to know that you _love _me," PJ said. "It doesn't matter how old I am, Dad. If I grow up believing you don't, I'll be scarred in the end just the same." PJ was about to cry, but Pete turned to him.

**I Don't Mean It **_(Bolded parts sung by Pete, italicized parts sung by PJ)_

**Sometimes I seem like a tyrant  
Who always wants to keep you down,  
And sometimes I seem like a monster  
Who only wants to see you frown,  
And sometimes I seem like the father  
Who is the worst in all of town  
But I assure you, I don't mean it.**

_Sometimes I want to be closer  
And then you just push me away  
And sometimes I want to be alone  
And then you just force me to stay  
And sometimes I just want some respite  
But you make me do things all day  
Yet somehow I know, you don't mean it._

_**A father and son built on a ton  
Of unstable rocks and uneven talks  
Our commonalities stop at the veneer—  
Our differences lie in the way that we try  
To behave all our lives, but our kinship thrives  
When we pull back the anger and fear**_

**Sometimes I wish you were like me  
Take it out on you that you're not  
**_Sometimes I wish you were like me  
With hope I'd be given a shot  
__**Sometimes we wish we weren't living  
**__with someone who hurts me a lot  
_**or makes me have to say I don't mean it**

_**A father and son built on a ton  
Of unstable rocks and uneven talks  
Our commonalities stop at the veneer—  
Our differences lie in the way that we try  
To behave all our lives, but our kinship thrives  
When we pull back the anger and fear**_

**Can we start to love again?  
**_Maybe it's too late.  
__**Maybe we're condemned to  
disappointment and hate  
**__But no matter what, I know you don't mean it.  
_**And I assure you I don't mean it.**

PJ spread his arms out to give Pete a hug, but Pete just shook his head and walked away. PJ followed Pete into the forest, whining "oh, Dad…"

"Do you want to know _why _I told Goof about what his kid did?" Pete asked.

"Please," PJ said calmly.

"I just wanted to be recognized," Pete said. "It seems like Goofy always gets complimented for his child-rearin', and well…"

"You just thought if you could prove Max wasn't a better kid than I was you would earn some of that recognition?" PJ asked.

"Yeah," Pete responded, "Like that."

"You know, Dad," PJ said, "It doesn't matter what anyone thinks. Anyone but me. Everyone could say you were the worst dad on the planet but what really matters is how good _I_ think you are."

"You're saying you think I'm a good father?" Pete asked.

PJ gave him a dumbfounded look, shook his head, and said, "What I'm _saying… _is if you _want _to be… you just have to start putting your effort elsewhere." A large dark shadow appeared over PJ.

Pete began to panic. "P-P-P-PJ?"

"Look, Dad, I'm sorry, I know this touchy-feely stuff is hard for you, but you could stand to…" PJ began.

"BIGFOOT IS BACK!" Pete screamed. He leaped into PJ's arms causing both of them to crumple under his weight.

Bigfoot roared. PJ yelled, "Dad! I'll distract him! You get out of here!"

"Not without you!" Pete said. He grabbed a nearby stick and pushed it in Bigfoot's face. "Back, back, you disgusting beast!"

"Rirureee?" Bigfoot inquired and then he roared in Pete's face.

"Dad!" PJ shrieked. He pushed his father out of Bigfoot's way and was then immediately snatched by the collar. "Help!"

"My _baby!"_ Pete screeched, chasing after Bigfoot. Bigfoot pushed a large boulder between him and Pete. "Oh, no!"

"Please don't eat me, Bigfoot," PJ said, cowering, "I'm not nearly as delicious as I look, I assure you."

Bigfoot picked him up and sniffed him. PJ grinned nervously. Bigfoot dropped him on the ground flat on his face. "Ow!" PJ uttered. Bigfoot raised his foot to stomp on him.

"Hey, size 900," Pete said, when he arrived in Bigfoot's clearing, "_No one _crushes _my _son under their weight except _me." _He then proceeded to hit Bigfoot in the stomach until he fell over. PJ looked on in silence wondering how to react.

Bigfoot looked at them and then ran away. "Thanks, Dad," PJ said, "You saved my life today."

"Now we're even," Pete said.

"Even for what?" PJ asked.

"You know," Pete said. He winked.

"If this is about that promise you broke or our fraudulent deal or the time you called me a worthless mistake, I've already forgi—" PJ began.

Pete interrupted him, "No. It's for all of them."

"Well, you know, Dad," PJ said, "I'm really happy that you took the time to apologize."

"Yeah, don't look too much into it, kid," Pete said. "You still have to do all your chores."

"I figured," PJ said, shrugging. "With you, I'll take what I can get."

That night, Pete handed PJ a bucket with a sponge. "Here," he said, "I accidentally spilled some maply syrup in front of the TV."

"Right away," PJ said, sighing.

"Wait, PJ," Pete said, "See if we can hear the last of the Powerline concert."

"But, Dad, that's on _pay-per-view," _PJ said.

"We'll just take it out of your child support, okay?" Pete asked.

"…Whatever you say, Dad," PJ said. "Just like this whole RV."

PJ listened intently to the music as he tried to scrub the sticky stain out of the floor. I-2-I, his biggest hit… PJ couldn't relate to any of Powerline's music, but he certainly did find it catchy.

Pete was reading a newspaper in another area and he mumbled, "You know, I wonder what Goofy did when he found out Max changed the map anyway." He got up from his table, beer in hand. "I'll go make sure PJ's not slacking off."

PJ, still trying to scrub the stain, looked up to the TV and was pleasantly surprised to see Max and Goofy dancing along with Powerline. Pete was caught so off-guard he spat a mouthful of beer onto the TV.

PJ looked at his father in surprise. As the beer dripped down the TV screen, Pete said monotonously, "Clean up that mess."

"Yes, sir," PJ said.

"And if you damage the screen, I'll give you a beating!" Pete bellowed.

"No you won't!" PJ responded.

"You don't know that, PJ," Pete said.

"Yes," PJ said, "You'll just yell at me, say I can't do anything right and that you wish I'd never been born, ground me for five months, and refuse to talk to me for three weeks then insult me non-stop for the rest, and force me to do some menial job that someone else pays something for and take all the money to pay for a new one."

"I can't believe you think I'm so soft," Pete said.

"I can't believe you think I'm so gullible," PJ responded. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

"Whatever," Pete said, "Is that punishment sufficiently 'scary' anyway?"

"Of course, Dad," PJ said. "I'll make sure not to damage the screen."

Pete and PJ arrived home. "Oh, yes!" PJ said, getting out of the RV, "I survived the whole ordeal! And the best part is there is _no way _Roxanne is going to reject Max now!"

"Wait, wait, wait," Pete asked, "All this time it was about a girl?"

"Yeah, what did you think it was about?" PJ asked.

"Well, given the amount of encouragement you've been giving him, I was expecting it to be, you know, kind of sort of in your best interest," Pete said.

"Wait, how is Max getting a girlfriend not in my best interest?" PJ asked. "I'm his best friend."

"Exactly," Pete responded. "As in, 'that guy who gets in the way.' And what are you thinking, PJ? Helping your best friend get a girl while you're still pathetically dateless?"

"What's wrong with that, Dad?" PJ asked. "You want Max's dad to have married Mom?"

"Okay, that was just too far," Pete said angrily.

"All I'm saying is Max deserves to be with the one he loves," PJ said, shrugging. "Besides, Roxanne's not my type."

"Why not?" Pete asked, giving him a suspicious look.

"To be honest," PJ said, "I think she's kind of boring. But Max likes her, so more power to him!"

"Oh, as long as it's because of her personality, then I suppose it's fine," Pete said. He sighed in relief.

"What?" PJ asked.

"Nothing," Pete responded. "But PJ, if Max spends all summer with his girlfriend, when will he have time to spend time with you?"

"You know," PJ said, "I didn't actually think about that."

"That's okay," Pete said, "You'll have plenty of time to do the chores that have been piling up in the house."

"Perfect," PJ said. "Maybe Bobby and I can…"

Bobby rode by on his skateboard. "Du-ude! You're back! You missed an awesome party!"

"Yeah," PJ said, "But I did see Max on TV."

"Yeah!" Bobby said, "But the best part is I have a girlfriend now! Me and Stacey are together!"

"Oh," PJ said. "So you have a girlfriend too."

"PJ, they're stealin' all of 'em," Pete said, "You better hurry up and snag one."

"Nah," PJ said, "I haven't met the love of my life yet anyway."

"PJ, you have to date. Otherwise you're a dateless loser," Pete said.

"Dad," PJ said. He sighed and chanted repeatedly, "I know you don't mean it. I know you don't mean it. I know you don't mean it," as he went back into his house.


End file.
